I've never fallen for a guy this hard before. In fact there is a huge difference between liking a guy for 5 years and wrecking your life over a boy who you don't even know express the same mutual feelings as you. Isn't it the same thing you ask? No of course not, of course they both mean that I've wasted my time over two different guys, but there is in fact a huge difference between the two.
The guy I like for 5 years, is something i'd label as puppy love, a small little crush, maybe even a passing fancy. In fact it wouldn't be considered love or liking if I immediately forgot about him the moment the second guy came along. I mean sure, all the signs are there, he makes me nervous, blush, makes me smile goofily, the fact that I can't even look at him straight in the eye or even the fact that I get butterflies in my stomach whenever I see him. The fact that these signs seems so beautiful and typical for all the young girls in love, it just means that its a little crush all young girls would feel, sometimes it might even be part of the cruel world's little game called, disillusioned fantasy. Yes I said it, aren't we all admittedly disillusion for thinking we are in love with someone just because we express these symptoms? I don't know it might be because I'm a Scorpio, and Scorpio's easily tend to have a change of heart once they feel like they are not safe, maybe even assume that it's just a passing fancy. I mean I tend to crush a lot on guys, but they aren't as serious, and that's the disadvantages in having a scorpio as a lover. We might loose interest easily, we might have other flings, we might be possessive, and we might be unpredictable, but when we do find someone that we call "the love of our lives" we are sure as hell one of the most loyal partners you could ever have. We might easily shift emotional wise, but if we really do love you, we wont fail to show it, we'll give you everything, we'll give up everything in the name of love. Although I might take to account and acknowledged the fact that this guy I liked was one of my first loves, or at least the first guy I was loyally liking from a far for 5 years, the other guy is just as bad as it gets.
Guy number two, is what i'd label as someone who'd fall in the category in love and loved. I might have been in denial whenever my friends teased me, but I came to realize many things about the true meaning of love. The thing about true love and the real world reality is that, it can both be bittersweet and cruel. You might be like the next guy ranting about how life can be cruel, and you can also be like me and other girls whose crying their eyes out over a stupid boy.
So the thing about guy number two, the moment he walked into my life, I've immediately thrown away all the emotions I wasted for the first guy, and regretful as I am, I don't even know how I should give my heart to anyone else. Unlike the first guy, this guy made me feel more intense emotions, I've never even cried over a guy before, and surely, I've never felt so damn nervous in front of the guy I like (although I am always nervous period in front of any guy) but he is something different, he's the first guy I actually made an effort to try to get close to, awkward as I was, and stupid too. I always seem to say the stupidest thing, and that's what seems like the minus in my brownie points, I mean I don't intend to say something stupid, it just happens that it's always being interpreted the wrong way. I'm always awkward in front of him and it's obvious in my body language, I think it's also my fault for seeming unapproachable because i'm the complete opposite from how he perceives me personally and how I act in front of my friends. He's the first guy I ever felt so jealous whenever he talks ever so comfortably with his girl friends, and it bugs me how I can't easily do that or actually start as friends with him. He is also the first person who can make me feel all sorts of emotions in one occasion: fear, anger, nervous, happy... but that's normal for anyone. He is also the first person I confessed to.
Yes, I confessed to the idiot, or at least I did, not personally but online. He might have thought it was either a dare or just me saying random things again, which I often do, and our first small talk online wasn't the most normal ones as you can see. We still can't talk to each other personally, or at least I can't which probably confuses him because I just seem so unapproachable around him. The first time I even tried to message him, my heart was thumping so hard and I was mentally debating whether or not I should press the button. I did, and he replied days later, saying it wasn't expected because (I mean who would want a message from someone awkwardly apologizing the whole time and saying that it was a dare?) Yes I screwed up, and that's why I made many efforts to try to change things between us. I followed my friends advice to try to get to know him, start by asking his interests, I did and he didn't reply. I think that was the turning point in my feelings, I vowed to hate him or at least try to stop having feelings for him. I even had this stage of depression and for the first time actually cried over a guy. Comes his birthday and although I may sound desperate, just be friendly and mature about it I messaged him again, and luckily this gave me some brownie points because I said something cute and cheesy noting that his birthday was in Christmas and surprisingly enough he was named after our savior. Yes, he replied, and I felt that we had a connection, he was actually open to tell me a lot of stuff, how he is not good with people like me, how he can only be himself around friends.... then of course he tried to return the conversation, asking me how was my day, like any typical conversation. The conversation progressed sweetly, and ended with see you around. Comes New year, haven't you notice that I'm just doing this at my convenience? Messaging him in holidays? i'm the type of person who just says the most weirdest things, but that's because i'm a bubbly person. So I messaged him past new years eve, saying happy end of the year. again its my fault for saying the most stupidest things, because it would have implied happy end of the world, but I quickly corrected that saying, Happy new year with a cute dog sticker.
Ouch to me when I didn't get a reply. Scorpio's are known for holding a grudge and I hated him for ignoring all my effort. If he didn't like me or found me annoying, at least tell me in my face, hell block me or maybe even un-friend me on Facebook, but he didn't. I always thought that he replied all those time just because he found me pitiful and desperate and probably obliged to reply, it was even obvious on how he answered, seemingly disinterested, and here I was wasting my life and emotions on a guy I don't even know where I stand.
I vowed not to like him, but cruelly enough, it just gets worst. He's my classmate in one of our class, he even sits in front of me everyday, and I'm pretty surprised he's not one bit awkward about it. He hangs out by the tree across from where my friends and I hang out in break, and I'd see him everyday at some point too, even where I hang out after school.
Recently I've been invited to a friend's eighteen birthday and surprisingly enough he was invited too, for the first time i've seen him in a sturdy polo, and damn, I believe that's when I just fell so hard again. Ever since then, I became even more awkward around him, and my feelings goes beyond me to the point when I just can't focus anymore. I'm always thinking about him whenever I do my work, and even in church morning worship. It gets even annoying when I suddenly think of him in our prayers and I just want it all to stop. I want to stop liking him, I want to stop falling for him, I just want to stop thinking of him because honestly, he's messing with my head. He's messing with my emotions, and he's not making me focus. I'm almost graduating, I have a ton of work to do, and he's just adding more to my stress.
My friend asked me if I loved him, I always said that I wouldn't say I love him. At first I was okay with just liking any guy, I don't expect anyone to like me back or at least if they did and asked me out, I wouldn't know how to react. I don't even know how i'd react because I've never been in a relationship before, and being in one would be a hassle, it would just hinder me from my studies, but feelings can't be tamed, and me falling hard for this guy is beyond my control. When my friend ask me again, I admit that I think I love him, and that's the true meaning of love. You have to face the feelings and troubles there is to it, you have to understand that it's not all butterflies and sunshine, that at some point its not a happily ever after, or a forever, or fantasy or what we all grew up thinking it would be.
But if loving someone meant that I had to go through all of this, why must I then, harbor these feelings to such a guy? Because that's part of life, it might not be a perfect love story, but god is working behind the scenes perfecting a beautiful one for me. I might be hurting now, confused of my feelings, but that's all part of his plan, he wants me to be strong, he want's me to learn to be patient, to learn and understand, to think about others before being selfish and thinking of myself, and that I believe is true love.
So where do I go on from here? The answer is, I really don't know. I was okay liking him, not expecting him to like me back. The thing is, that I should take into account if he really is worth it, well is he?
If a girl cries over a guy, he's probably not worth it, but to her he probably was, or at least that means that she was stupid enough to give all her heart to someone who was blind to see it. For me, a guy would have been worth it, if he had the balls to make me feel like I am special, to actually put an effort to getting to know me no matter how he claims to be so shy. A guy who is serious about you would make an effort, and as I can see, he doesn't even come close to having balls into doing it. It just prove to me and all of those who said it that, he was just not worth it, that I was just wasting my time on him. The thing is we are both shy and not good with people, and I went beyond that into actually trying to make an effort to be close to him even from different means, I might be good up close and personal, but at least I made an effort. He on the other hand didn't, which means he probably didn't have the same mutual feelings from the beginning. But then, aren't we all victims of the crazy little thing called love? Our flaws and mistakes and experiences are part of life, if we are hurting and are prone to making mistakes, it just means we are human.
